Updated Nov. 25, 2024, to reflect adjusted details for the Senior Loneliness Line of Oregon.
This article contains notes from Oregon Health News readers who responded to our survey about how they cope with loneliness. OHA warmly thanks everyone who generously wrote in. We’ve included many of your thoughtful responses throughout this article and at the bottom.
In 2019, in a park in Cardiff, Wales, a friendly dog approached an older man sitting alone on a bench. The man smiled and petted the dog. The dog’s owner watched from a distance, wondering if the man was lonely.
The dog’s owner had an idea: public parks could have “chat benches” labeled with signs where people could sit and signal their willingness to chat.
The simple idea took off and is now a global phenomenon. Chat benches can be seen in places such as London, Poland, Australia and the United States. In Oregon, Ashland Parks and Recreation recently installed “conversation clusters” of benches in three of the city’s public parks to inspire community connections.
For some, being alone is a comfortable state of being, inspiring creativity, peace and solace. For others, being alone can cause sadness, despair and sometimes panic. A 2021 Cigna Group poll reveals that more than half of all people in the U.S. are lonely, with even higher rates of loneliness among communities of color. And according to the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, loneliness can harm our physical health.
“Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling… It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.” – Dr. Vivek Murthy
Earlier this year Dr. Murthy issued the advisory “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” The report focuses on the healing effects of social connection and community, and it outlines how individuals, governments, workplaces, health systems, and community organizations can increase human connection across the country.
CLICK HERE to watch Dr. Murthy discuss loneliness in the U.S.
What helps me is traveling, which I do by myself. I love taking road trips, either to places I’ve never been or places I know and love. Being a solo traveler, I meet and have conversations with people who I’d never meet if I were with another person. It’s much easier to strike up a conversation when you’re on your own. It makes me feel less alone and I’m always learning something new, either about the people I meet or the places I go. I still struggle with my aloneness most of the time, but traveling keeps me stimulated and makes me think about things other than my loneliness. Just wish I were financially more flush so I could afford to travel a lot more than I do. – Kathleen, Lake Oswego
Help is a phone call away
While chat benches are popping up around the world, Oregon also offers the Senior Loneliness Line—a free 24/7 hotline (800-282-7035 or 503-200-1633) that people ages 60 and older can call when they want to talk to someone. (Update: As of November 2024, the Senior Loneliness Line hours are 5:30 a.m. to 11:30 p.m., seven days a week.)
“I feel like we offer a virtual chat bench for seniors,” said Yvette Garza, specialty crisis line supervisor at Lines for Life, which operates Oregon’s Senior Loneliness Line. “Our counselors can help with almost anything someone might need or want, even if it’s just a friendly, safe and empathetic ear to listen while they talk about their day or any stressors in their lives.”
The Senior Loneliness Line averages about 340 callers per week, more than half of whom call every day as part of their routine. When Garza took calls, she said some callers told her it was the only time they communicated with another person all day.
“It’s honestly heartbreaking to hear that,” Garza said. “But it’s also so rewarding to know that we’re there for them, and if they need extra time and want to call again, even multiple times a day, that’s OK.”
My wife passed away over two years ago. I live on rural property. Working on the property and getting exercise is a life saver for me. Most of my friends are married and have a life of their own. Some do invite me for potlucks or to join them on community events, but there is still loneliness, mostly missing companionship and someone to do something with, like hiking, eating out, etc. – Mike, Oakland
Callers can spend up to 20-30 minutes talking to someone each time they call, and if they’re in crisis the counselor will stay on the line with them as long as it takes for the caller to be safe. The counselors ask callers only for a first name and their county so that they can access local resources for the caller. These might include low-cost mental and physical health care, meal delivery or social activities. They can also send emergency services if necessary.
The majority of callers simply want to talk, or in one case Garza recalls, perform.
“There is one gentleman who used to be a musician in his youth, and he would call nearly every day. He would ask, ‘Is it OK if I sing a little bit, or I play a little bit of one of my songs?’ and he’d pull out his harmonica, or if he was sitting by his piano, he’d play! It was absolutely beautiful music, and he would tell me how much it made his day to be able to play for someone. He still calls to this day!”
Been lonely since the last of my family moved out of state several years ago. My closest neighbors have also left within the past year, through death or for financial planning reasons. I lost my beloved 2-year-old dog Beau two months ago, due to an aggressive osteosarcoma. I’m disabled and cannot drive very far because of this neuropathy, so visiting family and friends who’ve moved is pretty much impossible. I am having trouble coping with all of this, but the one good thing in my immediate life is my new rescue dog, Butch. He’s a lot of work but gives me happiness again, so it’s worth it! I find that giving him play dates with other dogs also brings me close to more people, which does help. – Suzie, Portland
The holidays can be a particularly tough time for people struggling with their mental health. A national survey showed 64% of those living with a mental illness reported their conditions worsened around the holidays.
The Senior Loneliness Line adds staff this time of year to ensure every call is promptly and compassionately answered, usually in under 30 seconds.
Garza remembers another person who called specifically during the holidays.
“She lived on a farm in Coos Bay with her husband, both in their 80s, and had adult children who lived out of state,” recalls Garza. “I remember her telling me she called because no one really talked to her and her husband during the holidays, and that we are always there for them.”
When I feel all alone in the world because most of my older friends and both my parents are gone, I go to YouTube on my computer and watch video clips of comedians I always enjoyed. Before long, I find myself smiling, chuckling, and laughing while I watch them. The rest of my day goes much better after that respite. – Laurie, Roseburg
Loneliness is felt by members of all age groups. In fact, the Cigna Group poll shows young adults are twice as likely to report being lonely than older adults. This aligns with data showing young adults are more than twice as likely to feel “left out” than those ages 55 and older.
If youth under 23 in Oregon feel lonely, they can call Lines for Life’s Youth Line (877-968-8491). It’s a free teen-to-teen crisis and help line, with trained teens available daily, 4 p.m. to 10 p.m. (adult councilors are available on the line 24/7).
Garza encourages anybody in the middle age range (23-54) experiencing loneliness to call 988. Although 988 is the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, its counselors undergo training to help people of all ages, with access to the same local resources as the other help lines, no matter what the caller is feeling.
I had a full-time job which I loved but couldn’t hang onto because of my health. I also directed musicals and plays twice a year, but due to my health I had to stop directing a show that was already in full rehearsals. I went into a long (16-18 month) depression. I was finally coming around, hoping to volunteer somewhere, and then COVID hit. I was trapped in my own home with my wife who is at high risk. By the time I was able to get out and about, my health worsened. One of my best friends moved away. Then a year later my best friend from school died. I have not recovered. How do I cope? I’ll see my kids and grandkids about every third week. I watch reruns of sitcoms. I try to go to lunch with some new friends. My wife and I go out to eat once a week. I’m a fantasy footballer. I’m the commissioner of our league, and I used to get enthusiastic come August, but now I lack any passion. I force myself to do the league setups, etc., and for a few minutes I’m okay. I’m on a bunch of drugs—I’m sure some help but it’s not enough. I miss collaborating with my coworkers and theatre colleagues. I try to be grateful. – Bob, Medford
Why are we lonely, and what can we do?
In his advisory, Dr. Murthy writes that he began recognizing increased loneliness across the country years ago. Then came the COVID-19 pandemic, which not only isolated people who’d never experienced chronic loneliness before, but also exacerbated the loneliness long felt by people of all ages.
Many point to technology such as smartphones and social media, which has arguably made us more connected than ever to other people over the past couple of decades. But that kind of connection may not be the kind we need.
“Slowly we have become busier and busier as a society, and we’ve come to depend on these devices to connect with others,” said Dr. Wilnise Jasmin, deputy chief medical officer at Oregon State Hospital. “But often we’re not really connecting. Rather, we check in with people without actually talking to them. Humans have evolved to communicate with each other, to work with each other, and virtual connection is not the only option we have to make a connection.”
From years working in behavioral health and primary care, Jasmin believes strongly in peer support methods when it comes to addiction recovery and strong mental health, and the same goes for people experiencing loneliness.
“Friends or family members are not the only source of peer support,” Jasmin said. “There is potential for peer support during many of our daily interactions. Do you have a particular place to go for dry cleaning or to do your laundry? Is there a special butcher or grocery store that you’ve been going to for a while? Do you have a primary care provider to talk to about your health issues, rather than making frequent visits to urgent care or emergency rooms for services? The key is having consistent individuals that you can rely on, and who you can visit.”
As a single older woman with no kids at home I often feel lonely, especially since the pandemic hit and we stopped hugging each other. When I lost my old dog last fall I would not have made it through without my therapist and adopting a new dog. I pet her and hug her as much as she wants. I also take her to the dog park where I can sometimes make a little connection with another dog mom or dog dad. If it gets really bad and my heart is really aching, I massage my chest and breathe deeply, sitting with compassion for myself. I might even do a touch meditation where I pat each part of my body and thank it for all it’s done for me over the years. This helps me feel grounded in my body and generally connected to space/time/now/life/earth, etc. I do make myself call a friend or a sister, and that is helpful as well. Where I am stuck is with community. I know I need it, but for some reason I am very resistant. Not sure why. Anyhoo, these strategies are getting me through, but if I find my way through my resistance and establish myself in a community, I think that would be enormously beneficial. – Bonnie, Portland
We can also look at using technology to our advantage—to stimulate meaningful human connection. Something as simple as texting an emoji to someone can be a spark.
“Sometimes you just can’t find the words,” Jasmin said, “so sending an emoji could be one way to just remind someone else that you’re thinking of them, and you’ll be surprised at how often you’ll get a response.”
A single emoji can lead to a phone call, and a phone call can lead to scheduling a picnic or coffee date, which can lead to face-to-face communication and the kind of connection humans need. And when the conversation gets going, whether you are doing most of the talking or listening with empathy, it can be a therapeutic experience.
Lastly, says Jasmin, “It’s OK to tell the people in your life that you’re grateful for them being in your life. Chances are they’re appreciative of you reaching out to them, too.”
Because of the isolation from the COVID-19 pandemic I decided I could use my sewing skills to make masks. I also decided to do one thing I’ve wanted to do since high school, which was to learn to paint watercolors. So I began that journey with the help of YouTube. As we ended our isolation I was noticing how therapeutic painting had become for me, and I wanted to see if others might be interested in gathering and learning, too. So I formed a group by posting on Nextdoor and Facebook. There were several people interested! We celebrated our first anniversary this past April, and our group has around 16 people. Watercolor painting is what carried me through some very difficult days, and creating my group opened doors to new friendships that helped carry us all through the pandemic. – Shellee, Carlton
RESOURCES:
- Supporting Your Mental Health During the Holiday Season from Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) offers strategies and resources to help people during the holidays.
- The Senior Loneliness Line of Oregon is a free, statewide call service for Oregonians 60 and older. Call 503-200-1633 or 800-282-7035, 5:30 a.m. to 11:30 p.m., seven days a week.
- Call or text 988 or chat at 988Lifeline.org to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Trained crisis counselors can help you or a loved one with any kind of mental health-related distress, thoughts of suicide or self-harm, or substance use crisis. Learn more here. Spanish speakers can call 988 and press 2, or call 888-628-9454 directly to reach la Red Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio, text the word “AYUDA” to 988 or chat online at 988lineadevida.org.
- Oregon YouthLine is a teen-to-teen crisis and help line. Call 877-968-8491 or text teen2teen to 839-863. Trained teens are available to help daily, 4 p.m. to 10 p.m. (adults are also available 24/7).
- OHA’s mental health resources blog offers multiple resources for a variety of communities, age groups and challenges.
More readers share how they cope with loneliness
After my husband’s death, last January, I am feeling anxious and lonely most of the time. I schedule walks, errands, volunteer activities for most days, allowing me a change of pace, opportunities to meet and walk with neighbors, ways to stay physically and mentally engaged. My loneliness and anxiety are still all around me, but I accept the fact that my condition is normal grief, and only time will offer new perspectives and new insights. – Rosaria, Port Orford
I go to the grocery store because I see a lot of children there. I am 76, and I love children. I purposely go to a store a little further away because a lot of young families shop there, and everyone is so nice. Also, I joined a low impact water exercise class to meet people. Everyone is so nice. – Leslie, Portland
Since March 2020 my husband and I had major life changes that took away our ability to see our friends and coworkers in person. We both went to college remotely. I also had a major hearing loss that required permanent changes in lifestyle. For me it was very lonely. I spent very little time working full time and attending college, only 10 minutes or an hour here and there. I decided to take another look at what I could do and realized that every point of contact with another human counts. I started viewing phone calls, text messages, Facebook comments and messages, and comments on Nextdoor helping my neighbors as points of communication with others. I also returned to old fashioned letter writing and sending cards to folks that choose not to use Facebook. I decided to mentor online through Zoom meetings and emails, and I’m still doing that. I also intentionally go out into my front yard to do much needed gardening in the early evening, enjoying the company of neighborhood families strolling and playing nearby. When I would go out for groceries (my one weekly outing), I would always take that extra moment to say something friendly or kind to the other shoppers or staff. Now that we have a bit more time, we are starting to see friends and family where I can hear them with my hearing aids. Sometimes it’s not easy to adjust, but with small steps we can find the way to our new life, whatever that might hold. During this process I realized that part of it was me not reaching out to others for support in my new lifestyle. Once I did that, things got better. – Holly, Milwaukie
I enjoy my two dogs and cat. Caring for my horses keeps me busy and active. I love rodeo life and attend as many as possible. I find young mothers who need extra hugs and an ear to listen. I try to be a good neighbor and a good citizen. – Jeritha, Meacham
I make a point to exercise daily. I have areas near my home where I can walk or swim in my pool. I am usually in the pool. I listen to music and/or watch classic movies with my cats. They are great companions. I also have two goats and a barn cat. I also make a point to connect with loved ones regularly by phone, such as several times a week. It gets bad for me if I focus too much on the fact that I live alone. I often tell myself that I do have my cats and goats that depend upon me, and thus I am never alone. – Yvonne, Yachats
Getting out of a bad relationship has helped me be less lonely. – Shannon, Gladstone
When I experience the quiet darkness of loneliness, I take a deep dive into a singular activity that is satisfying. Not to say that a phone call or visit doesn’t do the trick sometimes. But this more unique response gives me a sense of satisfaction of the quiet singular time that comes more often lately. Whether it be art, song, or dance, it can give a recognizable respite for me. – Lynda, Oregon
After retirement I found myself vegetating. I had retired to a community where I literally knew no one and had no close friends or family. I was not exactly lonely but realized that could and would occur. I decided to become active at volunteer work. I volunteered for the local Hospice and the advisory board for the local Area Agency on Aging. After reading about the terrible conditions in some of our county long term care facilities I applied to become a long-term care ombudsmen. I am beginning my ninth year as an ombudsmen, and I have found it personally rewarding. It gives me a strong purpose to get out of the house, meet residents and advocate for their right to respect, dignity and good care. I have not only helped and advocated for some of the most vulnerable folks, I have also met some wonderful people and made some very good friends. My advice would be to avoid loneliness and accompanying depression; find a way to use your time and life experiences to help others. – Susann, Coos Bay